Day 11

We are devising this show. To me, devising means creating theatrical material in a group where everyone is the writers, directors, actors, designers, stage crew etc. etc. In devising, more so than traditional theatre, there are moments that feel like crashing into a huge stone wall that is impossible to climb over or bust through. I'm not sure exactly why this happens. Perhaps it is because we are creating the show from scratch and sometimes it feels like it will never ever work. Perhaps there are so many moments of pure unknown and uncertainty that it feels as if a show will never be defined?

Regardless, today CJ and I experienced hitting a wall. It was this overwhelming, emotional ordeal that ended in tears and self-doubt. It was one of those things that just wasn't working and we both couldn't figure out why, which makes it even more emotional kind of thing...in that moment I pushed us to doubt ourselves and each other rather than the show. In that moment it felt like the show was this little vulnerable child that if we spent time second guessing,  she will run away and hide.

It feels as if this show already exists, like pieces of a rubix cube, and our job is to figure out how it already fits together.

So we decided to doubt ourselves and each other instead of the show and did other diddys for the rest of the day. I really would like to work on my languaging in rehearsal. I find that I am speaking in definites and often trying to make moments "right" instead of letting them breathe and be. I also find myself using violent/definitive language towards CJ which I would like to stop immediately. But as I said, we did other things for the rest of the day. Took a drive. Walked the dogs. Made some more bread. At one point in the late afternoon we found ourselves on the couch staring at our list of Moments and casually sequenced a few moments together that seemed to flow nice. When we tried that same exact sequence later in our evening rehearsal it was STUNNING. The best part is we somehow broke through the wall without even realizing it! It just feels so nice to have a piece of the show out in front of us. Its growing in size and momentum. It really is happening.